It’s hard to have a meaningful discussion

We so often discuss and disagree about misunderstood examples, rather than central ideas. 

For example, someone says to her friend that it’s a shame that few cars are made today with manual transmissions. Only a handful of sportscars have them. Her friend responds that she disagrees – sports cars can be very dangerous in the hands of poor drivers. 

Hardly the same thing, right? One person is being nostalgic about the peaceful beauty of a more tactile world. The other one is arguing for greater traffic safety.

Sports cars were merely an example. Not the point. 

What if the first person had added, instead of the sports car reference, that it’s also a loss that so few clocks these days have that wonderful ticking sound. Would her friend now comment on how upset she feels when she’s late for an appointment?

Unfortunately, this happens all the time. When someone else is speaking, we make assumptions and listen for things that push our buttons (positively or negatively) so that we can participate in the conversation. Politics is another great example. We are trained to believe that certain things that others say are ‘code words’ for some horrible belief that you completely oppose. But … that’s not what they said. 

It seems to me that people say things for a reason. And if you’re trying to build a relationship, this reason matters much more than what, exactly, is being said. 

So when you’re trying to persuade someone at work that they should do “X”, and they are vigorously opposed, I have learned to stop trying to convince them. The problem isn’t that they oppose “X”. It’s far more likely that  you’re each seeing “X” as an example of two very different central ideas. From your point of view, “X” is an example of a good thing. From theirs, it’s an example of a completely different and unrelated bad thing.  

Try taking it upon yourself to drop the example. What’s really the point that you want to get across? 

Back to our first example. If the first person had simply been clear that she’s nostalgic for a more tactile world, her friend might have fully agreed. Or not. Maybe her friend would disagree and say that she loved that so much is automated these days because manual things are confusing and frightening. Either way, these two would be on their way to building a tighter relationship and a better understanding of each other.